What pitfalls are encountered by a foreign wife in a war with her ex-husband for the most precious thing in the world – a child?
There is such a popular film all over the world called “My Big Greek Wedding.” This is a comedy about Greek emigrants in America who, despite decades of separation from their homeland, honor the traditions of Greece and the Greek family. It is a pity that there is no movie yet about a Greek divorce – it would no longer be a comedy, but a drama with elements of a thriller. Especially if the other half of the Greek man in the divorce were our Russian-speaking compatriot…
ANCIENT GREEK MYTHS AND DISTANT SIBERIA
The idea for this material about the rules of behavior during a divorce with a Greek man and the division of a common child arose after a letter we received from one of such post-Soviet wives. A citizen of Estonia, who called herself Olga, told how she managed to win back her son thanks to timely and qualified help of lawyers and the personal intervention of the Estonian Ambassador to Greece. In short, the story looks like this: after getting married, Olga and Dimitris lived in Tallinn. After the birth of their son, their relationship deteriorated, the Greek husband exerted psychological and physical pressure on Olga. Unable to withstand the tension, the woman initiated divorce proceedings. The husband returned to Greece, from where he continued to keep in touch with Olga and invited her with the child for Christmas so that his parents could see how the baby had grown. Despite all conflict situations, purely on a human level Olga understood Dimitris’s wish and flew with the child to Athens. After two months of staying here, at her very first attempt to return to Estonia, the Greek husband showed his true face, namely – the face of a person ready to do anything to take the child away from his foreign wife. Of course, we do not know everything that happened between the spouses, another person’s soul is darkness, but in fact Dimitris, with the help of his own resources – family, connections, acquaintances, police, Olga’s ignorance of the laws and realities of local life – tried to take the child away from the mother. Fortunately, the victim managed to involve her relatives – her parents urgently flew from Estonia to Greece, and her sister living in France contacted the consulates of Russia and Estonia. The fact is that Olga’s father is a citizen of the Russian Federation, so the family counted, among other things, on the support of the Russian diplomatic mission. According to the involved parties, there was no response from there, but the Estonian Ambassador personally came to the police station where Olga’s entire family was being held with the wording, you won’t believe: an attempt to abduct a minor child! Dimitris’s family tried to accuse the opposite side of what they themselves were going to do! This is where classical education and knowledge of the myths and legends of Ancient Greece come in handy. If you think that the described intrigues and tricks of gods, demigods, heroes and ordinary mortals are fantasies of thousands of years ago, then you are, in principle, not mistaken. You will only be mistaken if you think that today’s Greeks have nothing in common with those myths and legends. They do, and very much so!
Is mentality to blame?
In the process of preparing this material, all my interlocutors agreed that such an article is very necessary. Both as a warning and as support for those who are at a difficult stage in life. There are several groups on social networks where Russian-speaking women actively communicate, discussing absolutely everything. Starting with whether to let guests into the house with shoes on, ending with relationships with mothers-in-law and the division of children during divorce. More than half of the opinions of community participants are usually accusatory towards the heroines: what were you doing there with your Soviet mentality?! I thought a lot about this topic and I think that it is not about mentality after all, but about being mentally flexible. High-profile divorce stories happen not only abroad, don’t they? In Russia and other post-Soviet states there are hundreds and thousands of cases when parents sued and fought as if it were the last time for custody of children and alimony. And what, is mentality to blame? Here you have the same roots, and the cultural layer, and the surrounding reality – but a disgraceful divorce, where one tramples the other, cannot be avoided. That is, it is not so much about mentality, but about a reasonable and balanced approach to life in general and to situations that go beyond everyday logic in particular.
The main thing is flexibility and the ability to maneuver.
Psychologist Irina Grammatikopoulou believes that before rushing into the abyss of litigation, one should try by all means to save the family. “Can I get a certificate that I am mentally normal?” – this is how the conversation of morally crushed women with a specialist often begins. The psychologist believes that the hypertrophied position of a victim is a common reaction of wives in disputes over a child. This is neither good nor bad; any methods work, especially if one does not forget that the “victim image” is just a role, not a second “self.” Dealing with victims is, at the very least, sad. The resources of a Russian-speaking wife in protecting herself and her child can be social networks, media, embassies and consulates of her countries and, of course, lawyers. The resource of a Greek husband is all his numerous relatives, friends and acquaintances, and also lawyers. By the way, all my interlocutors agreed that the court does not make a difference between a Greek husband and a foreign wife. Those wives who do not give up and go all the way, and also do not have “contraindications” such as alcohol or prohibited substances use, have great chances to win back their child.
The child is the one who suffers…
It must be remembered that any conflict over dividing a child begins with a personal conflict between a man and a woman. When husband and wife quarrel, the child becomes the one who suffers. One can also understand the fears of Greek men that their Russian (post-Soviet) wife will take the baby and fly away to the ends of the earth to distant Siberia. Everyone who lives in Greece knows that fathers here are more involved in the process of raising a child than in our countries. This must also be taken into account when having a child in this country. The option “for oneself,” so common in our latitudes, very often does not work here. In a country where, firstly, children are very loved, and secondly, the nation is rapidly aging, one cannot simply take and give birth to a child “for oneself.” There are, of course, such cases, but rarely. It is very important, Irina Grammatikopoulou believes, not to demonize the image of Greek husbands, because there are also many good families with normal human relations. But those who have a big problem and need to be heard and receive some advice usually come into the public field. Therefore, it seems that there are more problematic situations, but the majority of mixed couples live in normal, adequate relationships. The main basis of conflicts in families is mental inflexibility, which can be inherent both to a условно Russian wife and to a Greek husband. Greek women in anger can be hotter than our women. But at the same time, they are more emotionally open in expressing positive emotions, more generous with praise. We, due to our national psychotype, are more restrained, colder in expressing feelings, do not know how to stop a conflict at its initial stage, restrain dissatisfaction with all our might, which then results in irreparable consequences. The reactions of Russian wives are often incomprehensible to Greek husbands; men, in principle, do not really understand hints and emotional swings of women, but they understand actions well and take them personally. As soon as a foreign wife declares in a fit of emotion that she is ready to leave with the child for her homeland, the husband perceives this as a signal for action. Suspicion and loss of trust come into play, and this is not the best basis for normal conflict resolution. The psychologist is sure that divorce and division of a child is an extreme scenario, and that one should always try to preserve existing relationships rather than build new ones. The main condition is flexibility and the ability to maneuver. Of course, we were not taught at school how to build relationships, but life makes its own adjustments: open dialogue with one’s husband is the main condition for the normal existence of a couple.
Leaving, leave
In the case when, as they say, the scythe has found a stone, and you clearly understand that further coexistence with your spouse is impossible, you need to leave. But a грамотный breakup of relationships is also a science; sometimes people need help to divorce properly. The wavering of parents interferes not only with themselves, but прежде всего with their children. A conflict attitude toward the world is formed in the child. Therefore, parents who eventually realize that the child, and not their wounded egos, is at the forefront, come to a compromise more easily. As for the psychologist’s opinion regarding with whom the child should stay, this point varies depending on his age. Children under 3–4 years are very attached to their mother, and children from 4 to 10 years need the example of a man, a father. By the way, custody battles between parents often occur when the child is still small. A teenager prefers to distance himself from the parents’ conflicts and may also already make his own choice. Psychologist Irina Grammatikopoulou is sure that if the conflict of former spouses cannot be resolved peacefully, the main thing here is not to do foolish things under the influence of boiling emotions. One needs to consider the situation as if from a distance, to look at oneself from the outside, not to provoke the man with loud statements and, at the same time, not to fall for his colorful provocations.
Where to send SOS?
How should one act in a situation if a divorce with a Greek husband is inevitable, and the fate of the child is at stake? With this question we turned to Vartan Oganyan, a lawyer of the International Association “Lawyers Without Borders,” who not only helped the above-described heroine Olga win back her son, but also has extensive experience in court disputes of this kind. According to the lawyer, if a spouse decides to leave her husband, she must act very carefully, without attracting his attention. Otherwise, he, for his part, will prepare countermeasures, and this may interfere with a successful outcome of the case. First of all, one needs to inform relatives and close friends about the situation, who will become your support in the further process. They can also contact the consular departments of your states to receive further instructions and begin searching for a worthy lawyer. It is better to find a lawyer by recommendation, and, of course, the lawyer should already have successful experience in resolving such conflicts. Psychological support is very important in such situations, purely so as not to go crazy and not to do foolish things that may only hinder in the future. One can contact Russian-speaking psychologists, turn to the support of the Russian-speaking internet community, or, as an option, call the SOS hotline: 15900, where victims of domestic violence are helped. The only free legal service in Greece is called Συνήγορος του Πολίτη (213 1306 600), and many who have contacted them for various reasons leave good reviews about these lawyers. In Συνήγορος του Πολίτη there is a special department dealing with children’s rights, which will most likely be useful to women dividing a child with their husbands. One must remember that if the case goes to court, the court will consider the problem from the position of the child’s benefit, not the wife or the husband. All specialists and affected women I spoke with agreed that the court makes no division based on nationality. Preference, as a rule, is given to the mother, provided that she works and has a permanent place of residence.
Therefore, if a woman is completely financially dependent on her husband, before leaving she needs to prepare the appropriate ground for departure. Here, again, relatives or friends can help. Examples were told when financially dependent wives increased their economic activity – looked for ways to earn, turned hobbies into work, etc. If a post-Soviet wife comes into the husband’s family on full support, struck by the patriarchal structure of life in Greece, where the husband supports the family and pays the bills, she must be prepared that these same patriarchal mechanisms will work in the opposite direction as well. The husband may not allow the wife to work, to meet friends only with his prior consent, or rush into a deadly battle for a child who may be taken away from him to distant Siberia. In each specific case of struggle for a child, – says lawyer Vartan Oganyan, an individual approach plays a role. Somewhere even the church has to be involved! And somewhere a sharp, intelligent lawyer and the protection of native diplomats are enough. In the above-described example with the Estonian citizen, the Estonian ambassador worked incredibly clearly, whom the lawyer describes with the concise word “handsome.” According to the specialist’s experience, the consul of Ukraine always works effectively, ready to rush into battle to protect its citizens. The Russian diplomatic mission, we have heard, also sometimes successfully helps its citizens in extreme situations, but how to act when a Greek husband takes a child from a Russian woman, we could not find out – for two days no one answered the phone at the Russian consulate in Athens.
If Greek courts, as a rule, are impartial regarding the nationalities of the opposing sides, then the Greek police, on the contrary, always strive to support their own. Therefore, if a foreign woman goes to the police to file a complaint against her Greek spouse, they may even laugh at her there. In the case with the Estonian citizen, the police calmly watched as the husband and his relatives beat the woman, who was running away from them with the child in her arms, with fists on the head and back. Since you will inevitably have to deal with the Greek police in the stage of escalation of a family conflict, remember the department ΔΙΕΥΘΥΝΣΗ ΕΣΩΤΕΡΙΚΩΝ ΥΠΟΘΕΣΕΩΝ (Δ.Ε.Υ.) – this is the internal police investigations department, which the police fear like fire. If in the police department where you applied for help they paid no attention to you and directly or indirectly refused assistance, complain about police misconduct to their internal service: 2108779700 and 10301 (24-hour line).
There is no single recipe for winning a child from a Greek husband. One must act according to circumstances: firstly, secure psychological support in order to more calmly endure provocations of the Greek family; secondly, find a truly competent lawyer, if funds allow; but most importantly – negotiate and seek compromise with the husband! If you once loved him, then there was a reason, which means that for the sake of your own peace and your child’s peace, you should try to establish a dialogue with this person. Remember that you must have certain resources (housing, stable job) so that the husband fighting for the child cannot obtain full custody. Sometimes it happens that the losing side (the Greek husband) does not comply with the court order and does not return the child, then you must go to the police with a complaint, and if they do not pay attention to you and do not take action, go with a complaint, I repeat, to the internal department.
I did not come to terms, but…
Interestingly, in the context of this problem we speak only about Russian wives and Greek husbands, but there are also reverse examples. I was told a story about a Greek woman and a Pontic man from the former USSR who had three children. When the wife finally got tired of her husband’s affairs and reproaches, she tried to leave. But, firstly, three children are not the best baggage for building new relationships, and secondly, the ex-husband pursued his former partner in an almost maniacal way. One day the woman solemnly handed over all three children to the ex-husband, although there were no court disputes about this. Now she lives her own life, and visits the children on weekends and holidays. It is good that she does not yet pay alimony, because sometimes Greek husbands, along with custody, demand financial support from former wives. One of our readers, who agreed to tell her story, is now at exactly such a stage: her husband won custody of their son and now wants to recover alimony. The main mistake, she believes, was her forced inaction – for about six months she could not file a counterclaim because she did not have funds for a lawyer. After two court hearings, which, as is known, are a doubtful and expensive pleasure, the husband offered her to settle amicably and, keeping custody, gives the child for weekends, holidays and one summer month. I asked what caused such confrontation over the child, whether the man’s goal was to hurt his ex-wife: “I think he wanted to hurt me personally,” she believes, “but of course he loves his son. As a father he is not bad. As a husband – bad… Of course, he is afraid that I will take the child away. I have not come to terms, but for now there is no other way out. Maybe over time there will be an opportunity to resume the courts…”
When marrying a Greek man, remember that besides the “big Greek wedding” there is also the “terrible Greek divorce.” In a situation when everything gets out of control, try to be calmer, smarter and хитрее your Greek relatives, not to fall for provocations, and soberly, clearly and timely involve all the resources you have in solving the problem.
